author's note: This takes place shortly after Freddie has been dropped off at Ryan's and Cade's. Ryan is away on business. Cade, apparently, has issues with adapting to the common image of a father figure. 

[ ... ]

He stopped at the door of the guestroom where Freddie was quietly playing with his toy cars. The same Cade remembered having has a kid. His parents had kept them in case Jean would have kids, having given up the idea of Cade ever giving them a grandchild. Just like he had. He didn’t understand his mother sometimes. Why she was throwing herself so much into this. It must be as foreign to her as himself. But she, just like his father, took Freddie as theirs. Which was admirable, wonderful, in fact, but… Well, they considered Ryan to be theirs as well, so, maybe he shouldn’t be too surprised.

He walked over and sat down on the floor next to the boy. Freddie smiled at him tentatively “Hi”. 

“Hey, buster,” Cade smiled back. Of course he loved him. It was quite frankly impossible not to love the little guy. Which was why he had never really opposed Ryan’s open wish. He understood him. He did. And he knew why Ryan was so passionate about it. Ryan, who had had no family since he was thirteen. And then suddenly his brother shows up and drops a family into his lap. Of course he’d want it. Of course he’d want to hold onto it at all costs. Only the costs were high. Neither of them knew how things would turn out. And Cade hated being scared. 

“When’s Ryan coming back ?” Freddie asked suddenly.

“Two days,” Cade cringed. The kid likes you. ‘S why he never tires to ask for Ryan. Oh well, you can’t blame him, Cade thought, it’s your 
choice after all.

“Which is your favourite ?” he asked.

“This one!” Freddie held up a small car whose colour had once been orange, but now mainly showed the sheet metal it was built of.

“Was my favourite, too,” Cade smiled faintly, “You can open the doors and everything and you can make it drive-“

“Drive all by itself,” Freddie interrupted him grinning.

“Yeah,” Cade nodded.

“How would you like going to the zoo ?” he asked. He couldn’t believe he was actually giving in to his mother, but maybe that’d keep her off his back for some time.

“Really ? Today ?” Freddie smiled.

“Sure.” 

“Yes!!” the boy jumped up and raced downstairs. “Gramma!! I’m going to the zoo!!”

Cade sighed. And wished the day was over already.

Cade threw the door of the car shut, hoisted the backpack up over one shoulder, got to the other side, opened the door, unbuckled Freddie, grabbed him, sat him down, locked the car. Routine. Funny how soon he got used to a little kid in his car, he thought.

He started to walk, but stopped abruptly when he felt a tug on his shirt. Freddie looked up at him with big dark brown eyes. Not Ryan’s eye colour and yet so much like Ryan’s. Sometimes he couldn’t believe he was, in fact, not Ryan’s son. 

“What ?” Cade frowned.

“Cade, you gotta hold my hand. Ry said so I don’t get lost,” Freddie explained sagely.

Cade sighed and held out his hand, in which the boy, grinning, slipped his small one and started to hop along his side while walking.

Arriving at the zoo’s entrance, Cade bit back a groan. There was a huge crowd forming already. It was going to take a while. And the happily bouncing boy at his side didn’t make him feel much better. Not really thinking about it, he leaned down and picked Freddie up before making his way through the mass of parents and running and yelling kids. Frowning he watched mothers and fathers chasing after the brats. He noted he was lucky Freddie was a rather quiet boy and did as he was told. Most of the time. Fifteen minutes into standing in line and getting pushed and nudged around, even quiet Freddie started to fidget. 

“Cade, let me down…,” Freddie whined. 

“No,” Cade simply told him. To be honest, even though he was small, he’d love to put the boy on his feet again, his back was killing him, but this was his first time with the kid alone and he didn’t want to risk losing him in this chaos. Maybe he was being paranoid, but…well.

“Cade…”, Freddie started again.

Sometimes Cade hated he had a name at all.

“Not long ago, you didn’t want to get lost. This way you won’t. I’m sure Ryan wouldn’t like me coming home without you,” he all but snapped. It wrecked his nerves being here. But at least, Freddie kept silent and still. Thank God.

Finally he got to pay for the tickets, squeezed himself through the door and put Freddie down a little aside from the main flow. 

He slipped his sunglasses on. “So,” he began, “Where do you want to go?”

No answer. He looked down. 

Freddie was shuffling his feet and shrugging. Cade gently nudged his arm “Hey, you’re not pouting about me carrying you, are you?”

Freddie shook his head. Cade sighed and closed his eyes. Barely six years old, Caden Bailey, never forget that. He removed his sunglasses again and squatted down, making the boy look at him. 

“I shouldn’t have snapped at you, okay ?” 

Freddie nodded.

Not knowing what else to do, he asked again “Where would you like to go first?”

“The bears,” Freddie answered, brightening again.

“Remember where they are?”

Another nod.

Cade got up again, “When’s the last time you’ve been here?”

“Before Easter.”

Barely three weeks ago. He couldn’t remember Ryan taking the kid here. Easter…Oh, right. He’d been in St. Louis.

“And you wanted to go again so soon?”

“I liked it. And I’ve never been with you,” Freddie explained. 

Yeah, Cade thought, and I’m sure it’s the last time you ever will see me here. It was a mean thought, but this honestly was not his cup of tea. 

He slipped his glasses back on “So, lead the way.”

Freddie smiled at him and held out his hand which Cade dutifully took.

Cade never thought it’d take so much of his energy to keep up with a six-year-old, but when they finally arrived at the bear enclosure, he was damn near exhausted.

“Look, it’s a polar bear!” Freddie grinned up at him and tucked on his hand to move up to the glass that separated them from the impressive creatures.

Finally the boy let go of his hand and climbed up some stairs to get even closer. Cade was watching him guardedly, but when he saw the delighted smile on the boy’s face, he somehow couldn’t help smiling as well. After some minutes, the boy came back down. 

“You gotta read the table, Cade,” Freddie told him.

Not for the first time, he was glad he invested the money into sunglasses adjusted to his, for his age, considerably poor eyesight. He’d hate to have to don his fucking reading glasses, in public, just for that. Yeah, vanity wasn’t a foreign concept to him. Male in his twenties. Queer. What do you expect.

Cade began to read, but was soon interrupted by Freddie who added bits and pieces of the facts listed. When he finished, Cade gave the boy an incredulous look. He’d kept at least half of the text in mind. 

“You’ve been here only once ?” he asked.

Freddie nodded. And Cade shook his head.

“That’s good,” he told the boy, who smiled up at him in response.

After seeing at least eight sorts of bears, giraffes, meerkats, hippos and countless birds and reptiles they ended up at the petting zoo. Cade agreed to buy special animal food so Freddie could feed some of the smaller ponies. And although Freddie tried to make him feed them, too, he refused vehemently. Animals made him uneasy. He was astonished at the way the boy seemed to connect with them, but it sure a shit wasn’t for him. Even when he was small, he remembered being terrified of anything four-legged that was bigger than the neighbours’ spaniel. His father had tried to ease his fears, but never really gotten through. After a while, he had seemed to give up. And now there we have it. 25 and scared of a plump tiny pony that happily nibbled food from a child. 

“That’s Phileas,” Freddie told him.

“How do you know ?” Cade still eyed the pony suspiciously.

“The man who looks after them, he told us last time.”

“I see.”

“You gotta feed him, too!”

“No. I told you.”

“But why?”

“No.” That wasn’t a satisfying answer and Freddie knew it as well as Cade.

“But he’s really nice, see ?” Freddie rubbed the pony’s nose. It nudged his hand and pushed Freddie back a few steps.

“I see it, all right.” Damn that kid, he’s too smart for his age.

“He likes me,” Freddie declared and moved to feed it again.

“He likes the food you have.” 

Freddie just smiled at him over his shoulder. Yeah, way too smart. 
 

After Freddie had fed and greeted every animal he could get a hold on by name, Cade had gotten Freddie to make a stop. Secretly, he had been on the lookout for a free bench or something for the last one and a half hour. Even if he didn’t want to admit it, he tired easily. And probably would for the rest of his pathetic life. Or maybe not so pathetic, he conceded, with a look at the small boy he was currently dragging with him. The kid was trying not to pout, he had to give him that. When they passed an ice cream stand, Cade inwardly sighed in relief. Kids like ice-cream, right ?

“Hey, Freddie. Want some ice-cream ?” he asked, more hopefully than intended.

Freddie shrugged.

“Does that mean yes ? Or no ?”

“Yes,” Freddie stated in a tone that suggested it should have been obvious.

“What would you like ?”

Freddie wrinkled his forehead. “Pistachio,” he decided.

“Anything else ?”

“And…cherry. And banana.”

Cade cringed. His stomach was already revolting at the bare thought of these flavours combined, but he got the boy his ice-cream without any comment and convinced him to sit down on a nearby bench to eat it. 

Cade sighed and stretched his legs. He’d give about anything for a cigarette right now. He was tired and tense at the same time and it felt like the sun was burning him to a crisp. While he absently watched the people passing by he noticed a woman staring at him. When she realized he was looking in her direction she smiled and turned away. What the fuck ?! Cade shifted uneasily. And suddenly found himself wishing Ryan was here. That was one thing Freddie and he did have in common, the yearning for a certain, currently blue-haired, guy.  

“Don’t you like ice-cream ?” Freddie suddenly spoke up.

Cade turned to the boy who was sitting next to him crossed-legged, studying him.

“No,” he answered curtly. Except if the ice-cream was tickling down the skin of said blue-haired guy and he could lick- 

“Everybody likes ice-cream,” Freddie insisted.

“Well, I’m the exception,” Cade declared absent-mindedly. 

“Try some of mine,” Freddie held the ice-cream cone in Cade’s face.

“No, thanks,” Cade shook his head and crinkled his nose when he was confronted with the by now oddly coloured mixture.

“Come on, it’s really good.”

Cade sighed. Oh well, what’s some more Adenvishay spit, he thought. And shook his head at the way his mind seemed to work. It was downright sick. He needed to stop thinking of Ryan.

He gingerly took the cone from Freddie and took a small nib. It was sweet and mainly tasted of the banana. Biting back a grimace he handed the sticky mess back to the boy.

“It’s great, isn’t it?” Freddie smiled at him.

“Yeah, it is,” Cade attempted a smile back as his tongue touched the roof of his mouth. He turned and frantically searched for the bottle of water in his bag. 
 

When Freddie had finished his ice-cream they moved on to the aquariums. Freddie spent at least ten minutes studying every fish and crab and whatnot, Cade was mildly bored. He liked the colourful specimen, but in general the fascination with sea animals eluded him. He found himself feeling especially sorry for a big lonely lobster that was swimming up and down in its tank. 
Finally they arrived at a playground and Cade sat down at a nearby bench. He watched Freddie for some time, then he leaned his head back and briefly closed his eyes. It was cool in the shadows and he actually felt relaxed. The day was almost over and nothing had happened so far. In fact, he had even kind of enjoyed himself. No sooner had he thought that when he opened his eyes and saw Freddie hobbling towards him. His left trouser leg was torn and blood was soaking the cloth. 

“What the…? What happened to you ?” He asked the boy who was looking at the ground and shrugged.

“I fell down the stairs . I…I slipped…and…,” Freddie mumbled.

Cade got up with a sigh, grabbed the boy and sat him on the bench. He cringed when he rolled up the boy’s torn trousers. 

“Jesus…’S bleeding like crazy. How did you get sand…,” he shook his head. Great. Just great. He couldn’t even spend a few hours with the kid without him mutilating himself.

“I told you I fell, there’s sand,” Freddie pouted.

“Yeah. Right. Okay, we gotta get that cleaned up and…a plaster,” Cade started packing the bag. Why the fuck hadn’t he thought of that ? He wasn’t good with kids, he’d told them. Maybe he should have asked his mother- No. No more motherly advices. He slung the bag over his shoulder, then hoisted Freddie up on his hip. 

When they entered the sanitary room, he was immediately taken aback by the smell of antiseptics. It smelled like hospital. He hated hospitals and he hated this smell. As if his mood hadn’t hit zero already. A middle-aged woman walked up to him. Brilliant. 

“Hello! What brings you two boys here?” she asked with a smile. Another mother character, just like he thought. Cade bit back a nasty remark. 

“Freddie fell at the playground. There’s dirt and it’s bleeding and-“

“Okay, just sit up down here,” she interrupted him, nodding.

He sat the boy down on the table, registering his crestfallen look. It couldn’t hurt that much, could it ? Oh well, maybe he’s sensitive.

“Actually, it’s good it’s bleeding. It washes out the dirt,” the woman explained while she cleaned the wound.

Good that it’s bleeding so much ? Cade gnawed on his thumbnail. The fuck it is. Blood belongs inside. Not on the outside. And he couldn’t even make sure of that. 

“Kids fall all the time, there’s hardly anything you can do,” the woman smiled at him again, guessing his thoughts correctly.

Cade gave a non-committal snort.

“I’m sure you gave your daddy quite a scare, Freddie,” she told the boy.

Daddy ? Dear woman, I was not even eighteen when this kid was born. And preparing my way to a beautiful drug-muddled rock star career…No wonder I look old enough to be a dad. 

“I didn’t mean to,” Freddie whispered. 

“Sure you didn’t, sweetie. There, all patched up,” she went to the basin and watched her hands, then addressed Cade “You may want to try to wash that out.”

Cade frowned.

She pointed at his shirt. He looked down. There was a red blood stain from when he had carried Freddie.

“Oh shit!” he cursed, then quickly looked up “Sorry.” Fuck! The woman just shrugged.

Cade got out of the stained shirt. Fortunately he’d chosen to wear a t-shirt underneath it. Unfortunately it didn’t have long-sleeves which meant he’d be forced to choose between paranoia from people noticing the scars and between wearing his jacket and sweating his ass off in the heat. Actually, he wanted to run away screaming. Instead he handed his shirt to the woman who busied herself with letting water run over the dark red spot. It turned into a light shade of pink as it mixed with the water. Cade swallowed. He hated this goddamn smell and he hated blood.  

Finally she handed him back the folded shirt. “I think you have a good chance of getting the rest washed out.”

He nodded “That’s okay. It doesn’t matter. Thank you, ma’am.”

“He’s a really cute little guy,” she retorted, looking over at Freddie who still sat on the table, with a less than happy look. I can certainly relate to that feeling, buster, Cade thought.

Cade attempted a smile back, got his back and settled Freddie on his hip. Finally they were outside again. Cade took a deep breath. Damn that smell. He was feeling nauseous and put Freddie down. 

“Is it okay ?” he asked the boy.

Freddie just nodded.

Well, whatever. If he said he could walk, he could. He grabbed the boy’s hand and started walking. About two minutes later he was brought to a halt when he heard sniffling from below. 

Cade frowned “Does it hurt ?”

Freddie shook his head and wiped his nose on the back of his hand. Ew. Jesus, somebody teach the kid some manners. Right. Right, he was that somebody. 

He looked for a tissue in his bag and handed it to Freddie. Why hadn’t he thought of that before ? Nah, it’d only have stuck to the wound. He shook his head. Freddie blew his nose and then just stood there. Sniffling. Cade sighed and crouched down.

“You can tell me if it hurts to walk,” he said quietly. 

“It doesn’t.” Ah, speech. Finally.

“Then what is it ?”

“I didn’t mean to fall,” he sniffled.

“I know.”

Freddie hiccupped “I didn’t mean to rip the pants. And …I got your shirt all dirty. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you mad. I’m sorry.” He started crying again.

Cade stared at him. The pants ? Who gave a shit about that ? And his shirt…what ? He pinched the bridge of his nose. Shook his head.

He reached out and rubbed the boy’s arms. He sucked at comforting people. Especially small ones. He remembered shoving his Gameboy at his little sister when she was stuck at home with a broken shin and then running off to play outside. Hey, his Gameboy had been his most prized possession then.

“You’re crying because you think I’m mad at you ?” He asked.

Freddie shrugged, nodded. Tried to wriggle out of Cade’s lax grasp.

“Hey,” Cade held him faster. “Shh. Whatever gave you the idea I was mad at you ?”

Freddie didn’t answer. Apparently there were two who didn’t know.

Cade gently pulled the boy to him and hugged him. It was the only thing he could come up with. Thank God, Freddie didn’t resist. Cade inwardly sighed in relief when he felt two small arms wrap around his neck.

“It’s okay. It’s okay. I’m not mad at you,” Cade whispered and rubbed the boy’s back. When the sniffling turned into small hiccups, Cade pulled back. He wiped the tears off with his thumbs. 

“I’m not mad at you,” Cade repeated, “And I couldn’t care less about the clothes. I was just worried ‘cause you hurt yourself. Okay ?” 

Freddie gulped and nodded. “Kids fall all the time,” he said then, a small grin tugging on his lips.

Cade smirked “Yeah, so I was told.” He ruffled Freddie’s hair “Okay now ?”

Freddie nodded. 

“Okay. So…would you like to see anything else ?”

Freddie shrugged.

Christ, that kid was going to be the death of him. But by now he had figured that a shrug usually meant yes. Cade sighed and checked his watch “It’s feeding time for the sea lions, want to go there ?”

“Yes.” 
 

It took them longer to get there than Cade had calculated. He wasn’t used to Freddie’s small steps. He briefly found himself wondering how tall Freddie would be someday, but he quickly pushed the thought aside. If it was meant to be, he’d see it for himself. 

When they arrived at the basin, the place was crowded already.

Freddie tugged on Cade’s hand “I can’t see.” 

“Yeah, I realized,” Cade answered absently. He was scanning their surroundings for something for Freddie to stand on. It wouldn’t be any use if he held him up. He wasn’t exactly small, but the average zoo visitors today seemed to be giants. His gaze fell on a father who had his kid on his shoulders and cringed. There wasn’t a way in hell he’d be able to stand that for even a minute. Finally he eyed a broad concrete wall opposite them. Yeah, that should work.

“Come on”, he manoeuvred Freddie in front of him. 

“Now, I’m going to lift you up there and you’ll stay put, all right ? No wiggling around,” he instructed the boy.

“No falling,” Freddie added with a smile. 

Cade gave him a wry look “No falling.” This was going to be a running gag between them. Well, at least Freddie was able to make fun of it. 
Cade grabbed him, lifted him up and Freddie managed to heave himself up and get settled.

“Okay ?” Cade asked him.

Freddie nodded, already entranced in whatever he was seeing. Cade slipped his glasses on,  and leaned back against the wall.

“Cade, you gotta come up here too,” Freddie told him after some minutes.

“I don’t think so, buster,” Cade snorted.

“Why not ?”

“It’s too high.”

“Is not.”

“Is. You’ve seen too many Jackie Chan movies.”

“Who ?”

“Watch the sea lions, Freddie,” Cade sighed.

“Don’t you wanna see them, too ? Come on, I can help you.”

Cade turned sharply when he heard Freddie moving around “Stay the fuck where you are!  Jesus! No moving.” 

“Okay,” Freddie replied, pouting a little. 

Twenty minutes later people started moving and indicated the end of the show. To be honest, Cade couldn’t remember particularly enjoying the spectacle as a kid. It just reminded him once more that animals made him uneasy and caged animals, for some reason, made him even more uneasy. 

“Come on, I’ll catch you,” Cade motioned for Freddie to hop down. 

 Freddie hesitated. 

“What’s with you ? Think I can’t ?”

“It’s kinda high,” Freddie declared looking down, “I didn’t see that. I don’t like heights.”

Cade smirked “That makes two of us. However, I’m afraid you don’t have much of a choice here.” 

Freddie scrunched up his nose and shifted forward. Finally he made up his mind and hopped down into Cade’s outstretched arms.

“Wasn’t too bad, was it?” 

Freddie shook his head “But I still don’t like heights.”

Cade nodded “Ready to go home ?” 

“Mind if we stop quickly so I can have a coffee ?” Cade asked, looking longingly at the small cafeteria next to the souvenir shop at the entrance.

He didn’t hear any response from below though “Freddie ?”

“No, I don’t mind,” the boy stated. Cade smirked as they headed for the cafeteria. At least he taught the boy one thing today. Shrugs didn’t work with him.

 “You want anything ?” Cade asked while he got himself a cup of coffee. Technically, he shouldn’t drink any. But technically, he shouldn’t smoke either, eat anything with sugar or cholesterol, he shouldn’t exhaust himself…Come to think of it, probably he should not breathe either. Except maybe with one of those Michael Jackson masks…Cade cringed and decided he wouldn’t give a shit. 

Freddie had taken some time to think and eventually stated that he didn’t want anything.

“You sure ?” Cade frowned. Sometimes the kid’s modest nature irritated him. 

“Yes,” Freddie nodded.

Cade shrugged and moved over to a small table. He should probably talk to the kid, but small talk, with anyone, was absolutely not one of his talents. So he just sat, sipped his coffee and watched Freddie fold a boat out of a napkin. He noticed the boy sneaking glances at something to their left. He followed his line of sight. Souvenirs, postcards, posters, calendars, stuffed animals…. Aha. Cade smiled. Maybe he would still get something right today.

He drained his cup, got up and gathered their things, held his hand out, closed it around the small one that was placed in his. Yeah, maybe he’d get it. He walked over and stopped on the stand with the stuffed animals. “Which one ?” 

“Huh ?” Freddie frowned.

“Pick one.”

“Really ?” Freddie smiled tentatively.

“Really.” 

Freddie pointed at the top of the stand. The bears. Figures. About any animal in small fluffy versions, but he wants a bear.

“This one ?” Cade reached randomly for one.

Freddie shook his head “The brown one, with the big nose.”

Cade grabbed the dark, kind of scruffy looking toy and handed it to the boy, who hugged it to himself with a smile. 

Held out his hand, paid for the toy and started to walk towards the exit, mindful of the smaller steps. 
 

[ return ]
 

Prior: I'm not ... distracted, I'm doing research. Harper: On Mormons ? Prior: On ... Angels. I'm a ... an Angelologist. Harper: I never met an angelologist before. Prior: It's an obscure discipline.