author's note: Freddie and Shae are in a relationship. The scene takes place when they're about nineteen. Shae is mute. Shae's POV.
 
 

"Last night, I dreamt you died and went to Heaven," he says it casually, over the breakfast table. As if he was making a comment on the weather.

I don't know what to think. Is he even aware he just said that out loud?

"A nightmare?" I decide to be as casual as he is and take a sip of my coffee. He had looked up when he saw me move. It's always like that, has always been. It seems he has me on his radar. It's comforting, and a little unnerving. Talking to him is so effortless, it's odd to think he sometimes has a problem with the fact that I can't actually talk.

He shakes his head, "No. Not really."

"Didn't you feel sad?"

"No."

It's a punch in the gut, I will admit that. But then again, it was only a dream.

"Were you scared?" I try again.

"A little. Mostly, I was pissed off."

I can't help but laugh at that, "Why ?"

"Because you didn't tell me you were going to die. In my dream, someone else had to tell me. You were already gone."

I smile. That's so like him. I can picture him being mad about that.

"And I was scared," he continues, "because I thought now that you were in Heaven, you were watching me all the time. And know everything I am thinking, and feeling."

I shift, "I'd consider that a comforting thought."

"It wasn't. It was disquieting."

Right. So, there are things he doesn't want me to know. We have already established that. It's just that the thought that the only reason he didn't want me to die in his dream was to prevent me from knowing his innermost thoughts and emotions is not pleasant.

Another thought strikes me, "Do you think I'd actually go to Heaven?"

He studies me, chewing slowly, swallows, "Why not?"

"I haven't heard about Fag Heaven."

"You're so bitter", he smiles.

I shake my head. That is usually what I say about him.

"Either way, I don't really believe in that crap," I add.

He gives a nod. I frown.

"Do you? Do you think you'll go to Heaven? Or to Hell?"

We never talked about that. My mother is fairly religious and she raised me like that, but I can't say I'm convinced of the whole concept. I never spent a lot of time pondering it either. I know I don't believe in Heaven, nor in Hell. Maybe not even in God, as he was described to me.
Freddie, as far as I know, was not raised to believe in God. Ryan believes, Cade does not. Freddie was pretty much free to decide himself. I never asked how he decided. If he had at all.

"If the Bible thumpers are right," he says, "then I'm going to burn."

"And if they aren't ?"

He shruggs, "I don't believe I am going to Heaven."

Somehow, it makes me sad he thinks that way. He shouldn't.

"Are you scared?"

"Of Hell?"

I nod.

"No. It's not like I could change it anyway, the reason that is. I wouldn't want to either."

We leave it at that. Although I am not entirely convinced he was being truthful. Someday, maybe. Not yet.
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Prior: I'm not ... distracted, I'm doing research. Harper: On Mormons ? Prior: On ... Angels. I'm a ... an Angelologist. Harper: I never met an angelologist before. Prior: It's an obscure discipline.